I took a vacation day today. Last night when I came home from work I had every intention of being productive, but then fell asleep on the couch. I slept horribly overnight, my mind running constantly, teetering on the edge of an anxiety attack, and when my alarm went off this morning I figured that the best thing for me was a day at home.
I think it's time to admit to myself that I'm probably at my lowest depressive point that I've ever been, outside of any time there's snow on the ground.
Last week I was in North Carolina for work, a whirlwind two day trip, and I know that part of the problem there was a frustration that the trip wasn't mine to control. And tied with that, I was in a state where a friend lives, and couldn't see her, again, due to lack of control.
I have control issues. This isn't news to anyone reading this.
I spent today sleeping, texting with my mother about family issues, talking to my father in law about family issues, and doing almost everything on my personal to do list. Not exactly a relaxing day off.
I have a friend who had a recent revelation in her own therapy. That the notion of a "Has It Together Girl" is a myth. It's something that we as women hold up as our ideal. And I have to say, hearing it from this person, who if you'd asked me totally has it together, was a big deal for me. As women, we all compare ourselves to each other, each trying to be perfect, each trying to be the girl who is in control of their own perfect life. And if that's a myth, I need to work on my own definition of who I'm trying to be.
I know a lot of my problems right now are the control issues. This weekend we have a wedding out of town, and what that is making me face is that there are two more weddings I'd really like to attend this year but can't. It's a weekend with people who are a lot more lose and fancy free with both time and food issues than I tend to be. So this is my last major stressor in the near future.
So my vacation day was spent cleaning, and paying bills, and basically getting ready for a stressful weekend. Doing things that no one really expected, or needed me to do, except that they were things I needed to do for myself. For me to feel in control. For me to feel like I have it together.
I really don't know what to do about this. I'm not sure that after this many years on the planet, I'm going to learn to change. Other than to say that I'm getting through. After this weekend, I'll have survived most of my major stresses for the year. That this summer has been brutal, and then I can come back and dedicate myself to doing what I need to do to feel healthy. Because right now I'm in a spiral of comforting myself to the point of feeling sick, and then comforting myself again. It's a cycle I need to break, and I need to give myself that break. Soon.